I still make a lot of those, and I do repeat them a lot, you'll find a few cases of illumination in my previous texts.
Here it comes again, if you haven't heard it before:
Last winter I realized that love doesn't hurt, that love moves freely, and that's a rule. You can't force love, from someone else or from yourself to others, all I know is that you and everyone else are worthy of love and goodness, but I can't promise you'll find it, even though I'm relying on that you will. All you absolutely have to do in life to be happy is to speak the truth, be kind, show love. You can't even show anyone that they are worthy of your love, if they don't know how to love themselves. You can guide them to the tools of how to look in the mirror and how to face life and not hate everything you see, but they have to realize it themselves.
Love is when someone else's happiness makes you happy, no matter if it means that you're not a part of their life anymore, or maybe that they love you and you're the biggest love in their life, but they just happen to find limitations in sex blurred and vague and want to share that with other people too. I'm not saying you have to compromise your own well-being if it doesn't work out for you. You would still love, if it was love in the first place, but it doesn't mean being together necessarily. That's how I see it. I find genuine, well-justified people easy to love, even if I disagree with them. I'm saying that there is not a single right way to love. We seek comfort and fear change, and I think those are some of the reasons behind wanting to own someone, possessing someone. Anthony de Mello said "We never feel grief when we lose something that we have allowed to be free, that we never attempted to possess. Grief is a sign that I made happiness depend on this thing or a person, at least to some extent."
We all fuck up. We all get desperate, frustrated, disappointed, angry, sad, lonesome. Right now I'm trying to remember that if someone wants to talk to me, they will. If someone wants to spend time with me, they will. I hope. I've been through times when I've had a threshold with any social situations, when I didn't dare to call my friends, because I was insecure and disappointed. So I'm not 100%, but quite sure that this is the way it goes. A lot of people will treat you wrong. I still don't understand how it's possible, the amount of people who simply don't know how to be kind and focus on the good and respect others. It amazes me literally everyday.
You need someone who goes out of their way like a tornado to make it obvious that they want you in their life. But then again, there's a fine line with obsession and appropriate embracing. Don't worry about relationships. Build friendships.
(I suck at this)
A few more:
Forming a friendship takes effort and time.
Having a deep, thoughtful conversation takes courage and risk.
There's always room for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is at the same time the hardest and the easiest thing.
You don't owe your body to anyone, sexually or aesthetically.
You can't wait for happiness, you need to decide to be happy now.
If you want something, you need to work hard for it.
Good people with good vibes will always find other good people.
You can learn a lot of things you never thought you'd be able to master. I've learned how to focus, I used to think I have an actual problem with concentration.
Learning is powerful.
~70% of our communication is non-verbal, aka body language (different numbers occur in different studies), and that's one hell of an interesting thing to control. Honestly, my life is better after this video.
The best nights out are the unplanned ones.
Malcolm Gladwell writes amazing books
Loyalty is more about doing what is right than keeping a secret someone 100% deserves to know. Truth is the most important thing.
"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." - The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
Just because you don't know how to doesn't mean you should not
Your iPhone is not your best friend
Intelligence, awareness and maturity are sexy.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Immediately let go of the people who treat you bad.
"We must live pure-hearted, armed with a mind, strengthened by compassion. We must not give in to marketed illusions, never cash in on despair and misery. We all breathe."
Salar de Uyuni, salt lake in Bolivia.
Tea or coffee?
Death before decaf.
Are members of your family artistic?
My dad does urban planning, my mother is a landscape designer, my brother does IT but I think he should work in fashion or film or set-design even. He makes up these utopian worlds and specifically design how everything works there in his head, and they are marvelous.
Three fashion idols?
Designers or individuals?
Elsa Schiarapelli, Alexander McQueen, Elie Saab.
Basically everything but minimal house and AC/DC. Everything from jazz to country to Rihanna to 50 cent to American 70s rock'n'roll, punk, acoustic guitars and breaking voices, 50s love songs, classical, dubstep, folk, stripper anthems, road music, hip hop, house, most things. I find heavy metal more amusing than serious, so I'm not counting that either.
What happens during your normal day?
There's absolutely no such thing as a normal day in my life. I don't plan too much, so life always surprises me and I'm ready to drift with it. I find myself in new situations so often, I can't even keep up with my own life. I'm absolutely no fan of routines, I'm quite unexpectable, which I guess for some people is the best thing about me but also the thing they stand the least sometimes.
Did you wake up cranky?
I did! I have not had a bad day in a while but yeah, today was sort of worse than some days. My mom and stepdad got married today and I'm miserable because I didn't even know and because I wasn't there to see it, but kilometers away on another fucking island. I'm cranky because it's been too long since I had it all together.
Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
Would rather not. Maybe an 18-yeard old girls, because girls tend to grow up faster than guys and I was kinda cute when I was 18 just one year ago?
Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?
I don't prefer any gender specifically I like everyone
Would you ever smile at a stranger?
THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME AND I CAN'T CONTROL IT I JUST WALK ALONE AND REMEMBER SOMETHING FUNNY AND LAUGH OUT LOUD. I don't really give a shit to stay cool and serious, I sing alone, I smile alone, I dance alone on the streets. I mean making a fool of yourself is way funnier than walking next to the walls and staying quiet.
Cam you commit to one person?
Maybe. I haven't met anyone like that yet. I'm interested in polyamory, but haven't tried.
How do you look right now?
Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014?
It already has and always can!
Are you social or antisocial?
Ha! I am overly social I guess.
If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
"OK" as I am not someone who wants to stand in the way of happiness
What's your favorite memory from the time when you were a teenager?
I guess I still am a teenager. There are so many memories in so many years, you would have to ask about my favorite memory of every month and I'd sit in an armchair and lean back and tell you my stories with my ten or more diaries in my hands. When do you start being a teenager, when you're 13, until when you're 19? Oh God.
I could just start writing and see what comes up. I'll tell you where I grew up.
I lived in the pulsating aorta of Helsinki, Finland, on a street that used to be through and through full of sex shops and broken glass, but dreams turn into other dreams and I got to grow up in a nice area where strip clubs slowly turned into studio spaces and pet stores and galleries blooming and making it charming to designers, boutiques and families. Although there were and still are a lot of bars and brutes, I had a happy childhood. The bars started to distract me at a young age of 14. That year started my immortality. Immortality through the contrary, isn't that amusing? The drinks, the bars, the boys and their arms. I had my first kiss at the age of 14. But that comes later. I had my first "boyfriend." We were seeing each other for maybe two weeks, all we did together was eat macaroni with ketchup. I went to the first bar, then called Mambo, currently Viva La Vida. I still go there, it used to be a few minutes from my apartment. The only place in Helsinki where goths, crust punks and skinheads can sing along to the same shit music next to each other and there's Lord Of The Rings in the background silently on the television, where you'll always find someone you know because everyone just decided to go there.
We were really, really young, first-timers as sinners, big brother and his friends got us drinks. And what a circus it all started. I still remember what I wore. I was a geeky 14-year old with standard long brown hair, I had left my glasses at home, ready for my childhood to end. As I walk in, to my right I see my first ex-boyfriend, the macaroni with ketchup one, and he screams at me "What's up whore?" I was 14. Feeling terrorized, I found my friends, sat down, shaking out of nervousness. The bartenders made us write our names and personal identification numbers on post-it notes, and that was all. We made up new names, celebrated new lives, forgot our childhood years, camping and playing tag. What a circus, what a horror show. But it wasn't the first time I got drunk, that's an even more bizarre event.
All the cool kids from high school got invited to a big party. I was borderline cool, I had some cool friends, but I was the girl with a brown cardigan, glasses, just got rid of braces, shy, never got glanced at by anyone. Me and my friends wore colorful clothes because we didn't know if we were supposed to wear something or was it a special occasion, so we made sure to wear loads of colors and sunglasses inside. The party was outside of Helsinki where buses drive to once in an hour, and when we got there we we're dry on drinks, not many of us had big brothers or sisters. A neighbor drove past the house with his car and promised to get drinks from the local store, a few kilometers away. I didn't know what money buys and how many doses are normal, so I told him to bring me six beers. Six, because at the stores I always saw beers traveling as groups of six mates, and I thought why not. Like vodka looks clear as ice and water before you taste it for the first time, why not drink six beers. The host and his mom were keeping us soaked. His mother, a tanned women's magazine obsessed lady, was scouting us girls to be models, showing us how to walk on a catwalk, saying she wished her own daughter could be a model but she's too fat. What a horror show. Later that night I had to pull her up from laying in an X-position in the middle of the road. I had never seen my own parents drunk, and I felt like it was better that way.
My best friend slept with her legs half in a lake and her upper body thankfully not drowning but on a stone beach. I got my first kiss and vomited all night after that. I wanted the whole world, or nothing at all. I have always been like that, I want to feel every extreme, preferably at the same second, at least during one night. Our drunken souls put up a good fight, eventually the poison escaped our bodies and we woke up, uncomfortably near to people we didn't want to wake up close to, all of us in a small garden house, groping each other with new hands of a teenager, no longer a child, next day carried home by the bus with memories that were unspoken of for the next few weeks.
Oh well. I don't want it to seem like my favorite memories are drunken memories, that would be a mess wouldn't it. And I'm definitely not calling these my absolute favorite moments, all in all. But to be honest, and a lot of people might not know about this, but me and my friends, we just started partying and drinking early. I guess it's a part of the culture, Scandinavians tend to grow up faster and start drinking earlier, so for me it has always been quite normal and somewhat accepted. I'm here to laugh, love, fuck, drink liquor and help the goddamn revolution come quicker.
I'm thankful that you asked me about my past, but darling, there are so many things to discover. What about the first loves, what about how finding your passion changes everything, what about that I'm going through the biggest change in my life right now and I'm still a teenager?
During the summer of 2010 I grew up a lot, a lot of things in my life changed and found ground to grow from. From our house it was easy to climb to the rooftops, we used to go there with friends and coffee cups, but I used to go there alone too. It was the only place where no one but the birds flying over me could find me. When I couldn't sleep, I'd go there and write. I was hugely afraid of birds before that, but there I understood that they wouldn't hurt me. I sat there for hours sometimes. I'm so happy I had that place. Someone closed the hatch one day, maybe concerned about our safety, or maybe we made too much noise. The rooftops were disconnected from everything else that was left, my bubble, my escape. I dream of that place sometimes, how it would feel like to peek right outside the hatch and see the first ladder steps that take you up. I feel how the air is different in Helsinki and in London. The sun is a bit different. My family lived in the same house for all my childhood, then I moved out when I was just about to turn 17. What a strange world time is. Once I was young, opening christmas presents in that house, talking to strangers on the internet in that house, cleaning up after a birthday party, I can feel how my body feels heavier with age now. How I can never be as young as I was then.
I want to put my history in a glass box. I want to stare at it, thinking it's there, when the glass box is filled with nothing but air and an idea.
I have changed every year and every month during my life, and the world still has to nurture me with more.
It started as a daring act, saying out loud something that would show how human I am, and it became addicting. I though about how much I know about people I have never met, like writers and stories that are made into movies and I realized the best ones are the personal ones. I am not afraid because I am real, therefore I'm open to critique but I also know when not to get offended for no reason. That's pointless confusion, I have other things to think about. Writing has always been important to me, I love to explore and investigate my feelings and phenomenons around me.
Why it's addicting because it empowers me and gives me a strong feeling of self-control and gives me proper room for change and progress as a person. I always want to expose the next personal thing, because I've realized they are not ugly.
I like to hear stories of love and loss and finding goodness, and I want to inspire people. I'm a work in progress too, I guess everyone will always search for answers, and that's one of the best things in life. Being able to enjoy learning until you die.
The downsides are mostly in real life and not online, I don't get that many hateful comments. I get good questions and thoughtful critique. Lately I've started to feel like giving something personal about yourself to a new person isn't the best way to form a bond, but then again, I don't know what is. People are different. Someone said that in London, 70% of people will lie to you, and actually not be interested in you at all.
Being open makes me feel free and I accept my complicated feelings more easily. To me, speaking is the best medicine and the best way to prevent bad things.
There are bigger things in life, it makes talking about the last person I kissed seem like a quite small deal to get my head heavy about. Kisses will always be kisses. Sometimes more.
People often feel ashamed when they are being mistreated, when it's not their fault. I'd like to inspire people to change that attitude.
There's beauty in sadness.
It's the most natural thing to not know everything. Take comfort in it, rather than fear it.
I'm still not as open as I'd want to be, there are so many mental stories, I'm still searching the right ways to tell them.
pictures: Ellen von Unwerth and somewhere in tumblr
10 days ago my best friend Vesta came to London to visit me and she looked otherwordly for the whole 9 days she was here.
We didn't do absolutely anything touristic, we hung out with friends and met new people, dyed hair hungover, got spiked at a club(not badly, we survived just fine, but still, be careful everyone), kissed boys and each other, danced polka on the streets, spoke about sex and relationships and every dirty detail out loud in finnish when we were on buses, slept really really close together and way too late everyday, which made the last 9 days some of my favorite days this whole year. What makes us so lucky to have each other is the freedom we feel together - we always sleep tied to each other and give kisses even though we're not a couple (we often get mistaken for a couple, not surprisingly), it's just our unique relationship that was tailored to us two only, exactly this way, we express our love this way. Vesta is also coming to London after she finishes her studies, we dreamt about moving in together somewhere, where there's enough room and light. With most people it gets annoying to be together for so many days in a row within 50m of each other, but I am in love with her every second.
We ruled Pluto together with William and Vesta.
1,5 weeks ago me, Nicole and Kayvan went out, dressed as F I R E. Nicole was bright orange like Nemo the fish, I was full red with Princess Leia hair and Kayvan was a banana with chocolate sauce on top.
A few weeks ago I visited Sands Films studio with mom, had a tour around their theatre, cinema and costume studios. This is what my heart beats for - fantasy worlds, beautiful gowns, peculiar histories, storytelling. I want to work here one day.